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Nathan Bolton

The Real Cost of “I’m Fine”: How Bottling Things Up Impacts Work, Relationships & Mental Health

“I'm fine.”

Two words. For a lot of men, they are not true.


“I'm fine” can mean “I do not know how to talk about this”, “I do not want to worry anyone”, or “I am barely hanging on.”


We think keeping it inside is the strong thing to do. We tell ourselves we are protecting our partner, our kids, our mates. What we are really doing is pushing the pressure down until it leaks out somewhere else.


Let’s talk about the real cost of bottling things up, and what it looks like to do it differently. Let's talk about the real cost of 'I'm Fine'...


A young man sitting alone in his apartment

The Real Cost Of 'Im Fine' At Work: Focus, Mistakes & Risk

You can be physically at work and miles away in your head.


When you are carrying stress, shame, anger or grief you have not dealt with, it shows up in your performance:

  • You make more mistakes because you cannot concentrate

  • You struggle with motivation and start avoiding tasks

  • You snap at co-workers or lose it over small things

  • You zone out in meetings and forget what was said


If you are in a high risk job, like the trades, the military, emergency services or heavy industry, this is not just annoying, it can be dangerous.


From the outside, it can look like you are lazy or do not care. On the inside, you might be doing everything you can just to get through the day.


When you start dealing with what is going on under the surface, your focus, energy and performance often improve. You have more capacity left for the work in front of you.


The Real Cost Of 'Im Fine' At Home: Disconnection & Conflict

When you keep saying “I am fine” at home, the people closest to you feel it.


Common patterns:

  • Your partner senses something is wrong but you insist you are ok. They start to feel shut out and lonely

  • Small disagreements blow up, because there is a build up of unspoken stuff underneath

  • You withdraw into your phone, alcohol, gaming or work to avoid conversations

  • Intimacy drops off because you are emotionally checked out


Often, by the time I see men in mentoring, their relationship is at breaking point. Their partner is exhausted from trying to guess what is going on. The man feels misunderstood and under attack, so he digs in deeper with “I am fine.”


When you drop the act and start being honest, it can feel awkward at first. Over time, it actually brings you closer. Your partner finally knows what is going on, and you are not carrying it alone.



The Real Cost Of 'Im Fine' On Your Health: Your Body Keeps The Score

Your body is not stupid. It notices when your nervous system is under constant load.


Signs you might be bottling up more than you realise:

  • Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep

  • Waking up already wired or exhausted

  • Headaches, muscle tension, random pains with no clear cause

  • Frequent colds or feeling run down all the time

  • Changes in appetite, weight or libido


Long term, unprocessed stress and trauma can contribute to serious health issues. Your body is trying to get your attention.


When you start to express what is going on, learn how to regulate your nervous system and take pressure off, your health often begins to improve as well. It is not instant, but it is real.


Why “I’m fine” Feels Safer

There are reasons we avoid opening up:

  • Fear of crying or losing control

  • Not wanting to upset or worry the people we care about

  • Learning early that emotions were not welcome

  • Not having language for what we are feeling


So we default to “I am fine” because it is easy and familiar.

The problem is, you pay for that short term comfort with long term pain.


A Different Way To Answer

You do not have to turn into the bloke who spills his whole life story to the barista. Small, honest steps are enough.


Next time someone asks how you are, try:

  • “I have been under the pump lately to be honest.”

  • “Not at my best, but I am working on it.”

  • “I am struggling a bit, but I am glad you asked.”


With people you trust, you can go a bit further:

  • “Work has been rough and it is starting to get to me.”

  • “I am more anxious than I like to admit.”

  • “I do not really know what I am feeling, but it is heavy.”


You are not dumping everything on them. You are choosing truth over a reflex lie.


Frustrated man in a dimly lit room with his face in his hands

What To Do If This Hits Home

If you recognise yourself here, you do not have to beat yourself up. You did what you thought you had to do to cope.


You can start changing it by:

  • Being honest with yourself first. Name what is really going on

  • Having one real conversation with someone you trust

  • Getting support from a GP, counsellor, trusted group, or a mentor who gets it


You do not have to live your whole life behind “I am fine.”



If you are tired of pretending everything is ok while life quietly falls apart underneath, you can book a private 1:1 session with me and start unpacking what is really going on in a safe, confidential space.


If your “I am fine” is hiding thoughts of self harm or not wanting to be here, please head straight to my crisis support page to see your options and get immediate help.

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